


Loves words hurt the most

by Yougaythen



Category: Ballum, EastEnders
Genre: Fluff, The conversation post car crash we never got, but more about them talking, this does include slight moments about the crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26796193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yougaythen/pseuds/Yougaythen
Summary: When Callum attends a car crash he gets really shaken up, he talks to ben about it to try help deal with the after effectsOrThe post crash conversation we never got
Relationships: Ballum - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41





	Loves words hurt the most

When Callum first signed up to be an officer his original plan being that to protect Ben from anything that could hurt or harm him yet in Callums eyes all he had done since starting full time was make things worse. Not only in the sense that Ben had already been arrested but also the fact that the emotional trauma that had come from some of the things he had seen providing difficult to shift from his mind. 

During the time they spent apart Callum would come home from his day, tears waiting to spill out and down his cheeks. Most days he was met with Stuart and Rainie day snuggled up on the sofa together, lightly chatting while the tv played behind. Callum choosing to go straight to his room, pulling one of Ben’s hoodies close to his face as he fell down against the bedroom door legs to his chest where he started to cry. He couldn’t work out if it actually helped or if it just made him more exhausted to the point he’d drag himself up into the freezing bed and would be out almost instantly. 

Yet all along he knew Ben was somewhat safe, during the times he felt emotionally well enough he’d spend hours on FaceTime to Ben and Lexi, their bond growing closer from a distance, when lexi would realise Callum was somewhat sad she’d make Lola and herself destroy the kitchen to make Callums favourite cookies and she’d go round with Ben hand in hand where they would leave the parcel outside with a little note spilling love to him, lexi sending him countless pictures alongside them and Ben would drop him another item of clothes, not wanting to push Callum to talk about things he really wasn’t comfortable with doing through a screen. 

It was the day a few weeks before they were finally able to be back in each other’s arms again that Ben slipped up the ‘you should talk to someone, like an actual qualified person’ that messed things up, Callums face dropping almost immediately, the idea that Ben could see how much he was hurting and allowing that to break also meant breaking into not being strong. He was becoming his version of weak and there was nothing he could do to stop it, of course he could just drop out but then that meant he wasn’t strong enough to achieve what he thought was his dream, and if he stayed the longer he was there the more intense these events were going to get. He mumbled out a reply and changed the subject before hanging up the phone, maybe Ben was right. Knowing he’d mentily have to revisit this before they met up again. 

When they did meet up it was that perfect happiness, spending a couple days just lounging around the house, Callum choosing to take a few days away swapping hours so that he could spend as much time as possible with Ben before returning to work. Ben taking time to work a split between the car lot and the arches, spending most of his time shuffling round paperwork and chatting with jay, Callum heading out to the station unsure of what the day would bring to him. 

Yet he never expected to have been pure lied to by ben and especially not to find out through the cctv footage, an argument with loose threats, an offer to move in and an arrest for Ben was enough to start Callum questioning if he was really in the right job, his heart was heavy and his mind clouded, he knew that if he messed things up with Ben Phil would physically kill him, after seeing the events unfold around the previous Christmas he was so torn. 

After all was somewhat resolved, Ben let home and finally they were moving on with their lives together, having just moved in together the connection with Phil was one that was being built upon, casual short conversations over breakfast while Phil comments on random stories from the newspaper, them both heading upstairs to get ready for their days, both of them heading over to Lola’s to pick lexi up to drop her into school, them being their own little family, happiness found within each other lexi skipping alongside them as their hands found each other, a kiss to Lexis head at the school gate before allowing her to run over to her friends. Waiting around until the bell went, running off into class, them leaving the gates to head home, Ben going to work and Callum leaving for the station. And for the first time in a while absolutely everything was okay. 

Everything was okay until the call for the crash came through, Callums heart already dropping as soon as he heard the news it was a crash, the car starting up and before he knew it he was there, the cars a wreck in front of him, and how anyone survived he had no idea, the little boy being pulled from one of the cars calling out for his mum, lion gripped between his hands and Callums heart shattered. 

He stood for a moment in pure shock, the noises around him becoming deafening until he was pulled out of the overwhelming feeling around him by the shouting of his name with a gentle touch to his arm “come here, it will get easier” the voice told him, not that he wanted to believe it, the man sat him back down in the police car, asking him if there was a contact he could phone to have back at home waiting for him. Callum was sure he’d said other things but his mind blocked them out. Shaking he pulled out his phone, placing his thumb on the button and manages to shake out Ben’s name, handing the phone over to the man in front of him “he’s my boyfriend” he whispers out, tears starting to fill his eyes, he’s not quite sure what was even said to Ben his head on other things, the ambulance rushing past and he doesn’t even want to think about this anymore, he wants to be back into Ben’s arms, Ben reassuring him that everything would be okay, yet he knew they were a while away from home far enough that James, the other officer with him left no noise in the car, knowing that silence was better than sound. 

“He said he’d be at home waiting for you and asked me if I’d drop you off, so I told him I’d get you ready and bring you back” he told Callum, him mumbling out some sort of reply before they drove back to the square pulling up near the Mitchell’s house. 

“Let me walk you over, and I’ll give you my number in case you need anything, I promise you Callum these things will get easier, your response was perfectly valid so please don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong” he mentioned, getting out and opening Callums door allowing him to get out and lead the way over to the house, Ben at the door waiting for him “come here” he gestures to Callum taking him into his arms and placing a kiss against his shoulder. Letting go when Callum pulled away he gestured for him to go inside. 

“He’s really shaken up, I don’t know if it was something that he saw or just everything but I’ll book him out of work for a few days and cover his hours for him until he’s better, oh sorry I’m James, he has my number and if either of you need anything I’m able to help you” he says to Ben, walking back down the path and back to the car, Ben closing the door and going to find Callum who he found sat on the sofa head in his hands, sitting down next to him and placing hand on Callums leg “I’m here” he says placing an arm around Callums back, him falling against Ben’s side, sniffling into Ben’s chest. 

They stayed like that a while, the silence proving perfect to them. Nothing needed to be said just the quiet calmness of the house, the busying streets outside providing that little bit of noise. 

“It was horrible” he started. Ben placing his hand back on Callums leg, him knowing how important silence was in this moment “there was things everywhere, people wandering around and that little boy, his tiny hands grabbing hold of that lion and all i could think about was lexi this morning, her with her unicorn and I just couldn’t. The way he didn’t even realise that he had just lost his mum and his sister, they were just gone ben and nothing anyone could do could have saved them” he stopped, his eyes filled with tears “you don’t have to say any more until you are ready to, I’m here. I think what is needed is for me to go make you a drink, you go get changed into comfies and we can sit together, just us dads out for a few hours and we can talk when you are ready” Ben tells him, his voice quiet, he could see Callums head spinning, needing the calm. 

He put on the tv before he left for the kitchen, switching the kettle on grabbing a cup and making Callums favourite hot chocolate, and taking his favourite biscuits. 

Placing it down “thank you” he says with a smile for the first time since the morning “I want to see her” he speaks up “I need her to know how much she is loved” “are you sure, you look exhausted, if you want to drink this, go take a sleep or rest and then I’ll message Lola to see if lexi wants to come over. I’ll come and sit up with you if you want me to” Ben says “okay let’s go then, he says getting up, Ben offering out his hand for Callum to take a hold of before walking up the stairs and into their room. 

“Lay down, I’m not going anywhere” Ben assures Callum, “I’m staying right here today and forever, and whenever you are ready you can talk and if you don’t want to then we can do whatever you want whenever you are ready” he leans down placing a kiss to Callums forehead “okay” is all he can reply, his eyes already heavy. 

Ben sat next to him tracing the freckles of his skin along his arms, until Callum was asleep. They realised little ways to make each other calm when life became too overwhelming, Ben taking the opportunity to put james’ number into his own phone and sending him a message to thank him for how he took care of Callum, and that if anything happened again he had his number to lessen the stress. 

He replied with, ‘Ben! It’s all good, Callums initial reactions were more than okay and he handled it better than some, and if you wanted to talk to him about it we have a thing called a support officer that can help with the after effects, reduce the pressure on relationships where it allows the person to freely talk and support and guidance is given as necessary, might be worth having a chat with him and then you or him can let me know what you decide. Works all covered for the next few days, I’ll make up his hours for him until he’s definitely feeling better, anytime you two need anything I’ll be here, James’ Ben making a mental note to talk to Callum about the officer knowing it might be more beneficial to talk to someone with experience and trained to talk about these sort of traumatic experiences. 

He then took the opportunity to message Lola knowing that if Callum wanted lexi to make him feel better then he would try his hardest to get her over, not making promises because he had no idea what they had planned but it was worth a shot. He decided while waiting for a reply he’d shuffle down the bed, Callum looking too good to not give a cuddle to, his sleepy face, eyes closed shut and the gentle rise and fall of his chest releasing him from the earlier events of the day. 

Callum awakes under the weight of Ben’s arm his head immediately clouded with the thoughts from earlier that day “how you feeling” Ben asks, he doesn’t expect a detailed answer, but Callum shifts up the bed, Ben shuffling up too where Callum rests his head against Ben’s chest “I don’t really know, that sleep was good but now all I can think about is it again, and that man the one who brought me home, James” he stumbled, immediately regretting specifying a name thinking Ben will jump to conclusions “we don’t know each other too well, mainly seen him at lunch, and I don’t know much about him but I have overheard him talking about kids at one point but he handled it so well Ben, I don’t really remember what happened because everything was so overwhelming but I saw him and he was calling my name but all i could do was look, watch the movements around me-” his face slightly confused, the moment being hazy in his head “- and he placed his hand on my arm and took me back to the car where he must have spoken some more before asking about calling someone and that’s when I got him to call you, I don’t know how I managed to even let him know it was you but he just gave a light smile and rang. I don’t know what he said to you but I was so glad to see you at the door waiting” he finished those familiar tears in his eyes “I took his number from your phone” Ben said with caution “and messaged him to say thank you for bringing you back and he wanted you to know that he’s going to cover your shifts for the next couple days and then he wanted to know if you wanted him to put you in contact with something called a support officer he said a lot of people have one and he had one before or something so it would help if you wanted it. He said it was a perfectly normal response and you did really well, and I’m so proud of you” he stops as his phone beeps, pulling Callum into a cuddle. “Lola said lexi can sleep over if you are feeling okay, but they are home if it gets too much” “I want to see her, we can get some food together, and watch a movie with her, she deserves to know how much we love her Ben. And I’ll ring James, chat to him while you get lex okay” Ben agrees. 

Getting up and putting on one of Callum's hoodies that had been left on the chair, “uh that’s mine” Callum says with a smile, Ben laughs back, walking out the door, kissing him before closing the door knowing Callum would want to talk alone. 

Heading across the square to pick up lexi her already ready with her backpack on, the unicorn she loved so much in her arms and one of her favourite bedtime stories, Ben picking her up into a cuddle before allowing her to slide down his hip and onto the floor, letting her wave goodbye to Lola, they left. 

“Callum is a little bit sad, but he’ll be okay” Ben told her knowing she’d immediately pick up on it if he didn’t pre warn her “he’s probably on the phone when we get in so we will be quiet, I’ll put the tv on for you and when he’s ready he’ll come down from upstairs” he said with a reassuring smile lexi skipping alongside him. 

Opening the door Ben could hear Callum still on the phone, Ben taking lexi into the sitting room and switching on the tv flicking to the kids tv channel and letting her sit for a bit “what do you want to eat baby” Ben asked her, “surprise” she returned, “cal” she called as he stepped off the bottom step, her running into his arms where he picked her up to a cuddle. 

Callum met Ben in the kitchen, where he was stirring something in a saucepan, “what you making” he said as he sat down to the table, “This” he pulled it off the cooker and showed it to Callum “let me help” Callum got up standing behind Ben holding his hand and stirring with him, telling him what to add to make it right. 

“Did you call him” Ben questioned, where they sat opposite each other, “Yeah, he was lovely told me he’d speak to the lady tomorrow and give me a call with the details. Do you think I’m weak” he says immediately pulling his hands to his mouth “sorry I didn’t mean to say that” “Callum” he starts taking his hands into his own “you won’t ever be weak, you are the strongest bravest person I’ve ever met and I would never ever stop loving you just because of something like this, I’m here for you always I love you cal” Ben gives him a soft smile, the kind that he knows reassures Callum, “I love you too” he returns. 

They eat with Lexi, her telling them all about her day where they smile and laugh with her, and then allow her to choose a film where she falls asleep snuggled into Callums chest “tell she’s yours” he jokes to Ben, before Ben takes her up to bed tucking her in, unicorn next to her. 

Heading to bed themselves, snuggled together Ben waiting until Callum had fallen asleep to allow himself to sleep, taking them into a world where hurt didn’t exist anymore, just happiness and love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, this was originally supposed to be angsty but considering how soft Ben has been it just had to be soft and warm. 
> 
> As always kudos are appreciated!!


End file.
